Have you ever felt as though your romantic life was stuck in a perpetual dead-end? Trust me, I’ve been there. For years, I immersed myself in psychology and self-improvement research, trying to uncover what actually helps people find genuine, lasting love. Ironically, I found myself logging countless hours studying everyone else’s love patterns, only to struggle in my own dating life.
I’d like to share my personal story of how I quite literally gave up on love—until a single mindset shift changed everything. I won’t promise a movie-perfect ending, but I can guarantee fresh insights that just might flip your love life upside down, in the best possible way.
The Moment I Realized I Was Done
It all started on a rainy Wednesday night. I remember sitting in my apartment in New York, questioning the very concept of “happily ever after.” Another relationship had fizzled out due to the same recurring issues: communication breakdown, misaligned goals, and a general feeling that I wasn’t enough—or maybe too much.
I felt exhausted. I didn’t want to go on another date. I didn’t want to swipe on another app. I just wanted out of the merry-go-round altogether. A lot of people describe reaching rock bottom in romance as heartbreak, but for me, it was more like romance-fatique, plain and simple. I told myself I was done and turned my attention back to my work. After all, focusing on other people’s love stories was far safer than investing in my own.
The Power of Self-Awareness
Yet, as fate would have it, giving up on love actually created some space in my life—a space that my incessant research could no longer fill with just interesting findings about other people. I had the breathing room to look inwards. The first major shift was all about self-awareness.
In psychology, self-awareness is often touted as the cornerstone of emotional intelligence. It’s the capacity to recognize your own emotions, motivations, and desires. Carl Jung wrote, “Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” I started journaling regularly about what I really wanted and what I genuinely feared. Was it truly love I was done with, or was it disappointment and heartbreak I was trying to avoid?
The more I wrote, the clearer it became: I didn’t hate love—I was afraid of it. Afraid it wasn’t out there for me, or that if I did find it, I wouldn’t be good enough to keep it. Recognizing that fear was the first step to eventually conquering it.
A Weird Mindset Shift: “I Deserve to Be Loved”
Awareness alone wasn’t enough to jolt me out of my slump. But it did uncover a new perspective I had never seriously entertained. It came in the form of a simple phrase that I decided to write on a sticky note and plaster to my bathroom mirror: “I deserve to be loved.”
That might sound cliché. Perhaps it is. But the shift was anything but trivial. Up until that point, my internal dialogues were full of self-criticism: “You’re too outspoken,” “You’re too focused on your career,” “You’re not stable enough.” By deciding that I do, in fact, deserve love, I inadvertently gave myself permission to experience love in all its messy, unpredictable glory.
Social psychologist Dr. Carol Dweck famously distinguishes between a “fixed mindset” and a “growth mindset.” In a fixed mindset, we believe our basic qualities (like our intelligence or personal worthiness) are set in stone. In a growth mindset, we recognize that we can grow and change through effort and new strategies. Telling myself “I deserve love” was the gateway to a growth mindset about my romantic prospects. It replaced “I’m hopeless in relationships” with “I can learn and improve.”
Redefining What Love Meant to Me
Reclaiming the belief that I deserved love also led me to redefine what “love” actually meant—beyond the swirl of rose petals and dreamy proposals we see in romantic comedies. If I truly deserved to be loved, I needed to understand what it was I was deserving of.
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Love as Compassion
My previous relationships often lacked mutual compassion. Either I was putting in too much empathy and receiving little in return, or vice versa. Love is not just romance and passion; it’s the unwavering kindness that says, “I see you, I hear you, and I accept you.” -
Love as Partnership
I discovered that “equal partnership” was more than just a buzzword. It meant actively nurturing each other’s growth and celebrating one another’s victories—no matter how small. I realized I wasn’t actually giving partnerships a fair chance because I was too consumed with the fear of being let down. -
Love as Self-Acceptance
Love starts with you. It sounds like a bumper sticker, but you have to be comfortable with yourself before you share that with someone else. In the past, I kept searching for people to fix me or fill some void. Once I realized love is also about loving who I am, everything changed.Get Smarter Everyday Join Us On WhatsApp
Taking Baby Steps: Practical Ways I Embraced the Shift
A sweeping epiphany is nothing without actionable steps. So I broke down my newfound mindset into small, doable actions to make love feel less like a distant fantasy and more like an everyday practice.
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Daily Affirmations
I started small: Post-it notes around my apartment reading “You deserve love,” “Be open today,” and “Give yourself grace.” Brene Brown, a famous researcher on vulnerability, talks about how daring greatly means owning your worth. These notes were gentle nudges to rewrite my negative self-talk. -
Setting Boundaries
Part of realizing I deserved love included recognizing I didn’t deserve shoddy treatment or half-hearted commitment. I started to become more selective about whom I spent time with, especially in the dating world. If a relationship or even a conversation felt draining or disrespectful, I politely stepped away. -
Mindful Dating
Instead of the speed-dating approach—where I had so many first dates I couldn’t remember anyone’s name—I slowed down. I allowed conversations to unfold naturally before agreeing to meet in person. When I did go out, I approached each date with curiosity rather than desperation.
Falling in Love with Life First
Here’s the kicker: this shift didn’t magically drop my soulmate at my doorstep the very next day. But an unexpected side effect was that I genuinely started to fall in love with my own life.
I took up new hobbies: I finally learned how to bake pastries. I spent my Sundays experimenting with chocolate croissants and berry tarts—a far cry from my usual routine of prepackaged dinners.
I made time for friendships: I reconnected with old friends and organized group hikes and board game nights.
I traveled solo: I decided to spend a week in a cozy cabin near the mountains to soak up the solitude. That trip taught me that being alone didn’t have to feel lonely.
This phase was transformational because it gave me undeniable proof that I was capable of happiness on my own, which, ironically, opened my heart more naturally to connection with others.
When “The One” Became Possible Again
The best part about a profound mindset shift is that it changes the lens through which you see the world. After several months of leaning into this new perspective, I found myself meeting people (and not just romantically) from a place of relaxed confidence rather than anxious longing.
And that’s when I met someone special. It was not love at first sight or some fireworks display. But it was something warmer, steadier, and more authentic than I’d ever experienced. Over time, I noticed that every conversation felt as though we both genuinely wanted to learn about each other. There was no push and pull, just genuine curiosity and respect.
As we grew closer, I recognized the signs of real partnership forming—kindness, support, shared laughter—elements I’d once thought were just daydreams. While I’m still a work in progress (as is any relationship), this love story feels anchored by the core belief that I deserve to be loved and so does my partner.
Why This Mindset Shift Matters
What I hope you take away from my story is not that giving up on love is the gateway to finding it. Rather, it’s that your beliefs about love shape your reality. If you believe you’re unworthy, every new interaction will prove that belief right. If you believe you deserve love, you’ll see opportunities and avenues for connection that may have been invisible before.
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Albert Ellis, one of the founders of cognitive-behavioral therapy, often emphasized how our beliefs drive our feelings and actions. When we hold on to limiting beliefs, we limit our own experiences. When we reshape those beliefs, we unlock new possibilities.
Final Thoughts: Embrace the Shift
So here’s my challenge to you: reflect on your beliefs about love. Are they fostering hope or breeding cynicism? If they’re leaning negative, consider adopting the simple mantra that changed my life: You deserve to be loved.
You don’t have to be perfect or have it all figured out before you welcome love into your life. In fact, love can be the perfect mirror, reflecting areas where we can grow. And growth, as psychologists repeatedly tell us, is what life’s all about.
I’m Tina Fey, still passionately researching and writing about all things related to the heart here at the Blog Herald. But now, my words come from a place of personal experience and renewed hope. Never forget—love can bloom at the most unexpected times. All it might take is one small mindset shift to turn everything around.
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