Navigating the sensitive waters of a friend’s potential divorce is no easy task.
It’s all about balance. You want to be supportive, but you don’t want to overstep your boundaries.
The last thing you want to do is say the wrong thing at the wrong time, even though your intentions are good.
There are certain phrases that, despite our best intentions, can come off as dismissive or hurtful.
So, let’s talk about what not to say. Here are eight things to avoid when your friend is weighing a divorce.
1) At least you can start fresh
It might seem like a comforting thing to say, but it’s not.
The idea of starting fresh might sound appealing to us, but for your friend who’s contemplating divorce, it can feel dismissive.
Their world is in turmoil and the last thing they want to hear is how exciting their new life could be. It might feel like you’re trivializing their struggle and the weight of their decision.
Remember, empathy is key. Instead of suggesting a silver lining, acknowledge their feelings and let them know that you’re there for them.
And always remember, it’s not about making them see the bright side, it’s about being there by their side.
2) I always thought you two weren’t right for each other
This one hits close to home for me. When a friend of mine was going through a divorce, I made the mistake of saying this. And let me tell you, it didn’t go over well.
In my mind, I was validating her decision. But in reality, I was invalidating her past. Saying something like this dismisses the years they spent together and the love they once shared.
It’s important to remember that even if the marriage is ending, it doesn’t mean that it was all bad or a mistake. They chose to be with this person at one point and acknowledging that is crucial.
So from personal experience, I’d suggest steering clear of this phrase. Instead, acknowledge their pain and support them without casting judgment on their past relationship.
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3) You should have seen this coming
This phrase is more common than you might think. Despite our best intentions, we can often fall into the trap of victim-blaming, even when it comes to close friends.
The fact is, most divorcing couples report not seeing the end coming until it was too late. This is because humans are naturally optimistic, often overlooking negatives in favor of the positives.
Suggesting that they should have predicted their divorce is not only unhelpful but also scientifically incorrect. We can’t predict the future and neither can they.
Instead of playing the blame game, remind them that hindsight is 20/20 and it’s okay not to have all the answers.
4) At least you didn’t have kids
This phrase might seem like a relief to some but can be deeply hurtful to others. It implies that their marriage and the potential end of it is somehow less significant because they don’t have children.
The truth is, divorce is painful regardless of whether or not children are involved. This kind of statement diminishes the importance of their relationship and the pain they are currently feeling.
Instead of pointing out what they don’t have, focus on what they do have – your understanding, your support, and your friendship. Let them know you’re there for them no matter what.
5) Everything happens for a reason
This phrase is often used with the best of intentions, but it can feel empty and dismissive to someone who’s in pain. It’s like telling them their suffering is just a part of some grand plan.
When my friend was going through her divorce, she told me that hearing this phrase made her feel like her emotions were being minimized. It’s a tough time, and it’s hard to see the “reason” when you’re in the midst of it all.
Instead, let them know that it’s okay to not have all the answers right now. Reassure them that it’s okay to feel lost, confused, and hurt. Divorce is an upheaval, and it’s normal to feel a whirlwind of emotions.
Your role as a friend is to stand by their side, offering a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. Because sometimes, what they need more than reasons is reassurance that they’re not alone in this.
6) You’re better off without them
When I was younger, I watched my sister go through a painful divorce. I thought telling her she was better off would help her see the bright side, but instead, it made her feel invalidated.
Sure, the relationship wasn’t working out, but that doesn’t mean there weren’t good times or that there weren’t things about her partner that she still loved. Telling her she was “better off” only made her feel like I was demonizing her ex and dismissing the complexity of her feelings.
It’s important to remember that no one enters a marriage expecting it to end in divorce. They were once deeply in love and connected with this person. So instead of jumping to judgments about their spouse, be there for your friend, validate their feelings, and let them know they’re not alone.
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7) You need to move on
This might seem like sound advice, but it can also come across as insensitive. Everyone has their own pace when dealing with grief and loss, and divorce is no different.
Telling your friend to “move on” can make them feel rushed through their healing process. It implies that there’s a correct timeline for overcoming pain, which simply isn’t true.
Instead of telling them to move on, encourage them to take their time. Healing isn’t linear and it’s okay if some days are harder than others. Reassure them that you’ll be there for them every step of the way, no matter how long it takes.
8) I know exactly how you feel
Unless you’ve been through a divorce yourself, this is a statement to avoid. Even if you have, everyone’s experience is unique. Telling your friend that you “know exactly how they feel” can come off as dismissive and presumptuous.
Instead, offer empathy, not comparisons. Let your friend know that while you can’t fully understand what they’re going through, you’re there to support them in any way you can. By doing so, you’re respecting their unique experience and validating their feelings. That’s the most important thing you can do for your friend during this difficult time.
Final thoughts: The power of empathy
In navigating the sensitive waters of a friend’s potential divorce, one thing remains critically important – empathy.
Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, can be a lifeline in times of emotional turbulence. It’s not about saying the perfect thing or offering the ideal solution. It’s about being present, being patient, and being understanding.
Renowned psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “When someone really hears you without passing judgement on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good.”
That’s what your friend needs right now. They need to know that amidst the chaos of their world, there’s someone who sees them, hears them, and accepts them for who they are.
Remember, it’s not about navigating their journey for them, but rather walking beside them as they find their own path. Because at the end of the day, your consistent presence and understanding might just be the most healing words they need to hear.
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