Growing up, my parents had this old-school approach to emotions. You know the one — “Big boys don’t cry,” and “Keep a stiff upper lip.” Sound familiar?
There is a whole generation of us, children of Baby Boomers, who were brought up in this emotionally distant environment.
And here’s what’s interesting.
We adapt. We learn. We survive.
Without even realizing it, we’ve developed a set of habits to cope with this emotional distance. And these habits, they stick with us well into our adulthood.
Now, you might be scratching your head, thinking, “What survival habits?” Well, I’m glad you’re curious.
In this piece, we’ll be exploring the seven common survival habits that people like us — those raised by emotionally distant boomers — often cultivate without even knowing it.
These habits aren’t necessarily bad or good; they’re simply tools we’ve unconsciously picked up along the way. But knowing them can help us understand ourselves better and navigate our relationships more effectively.
So buckle up as we delve into this intriguing journey of self-discovery.
1) Emotional self-reliance
Remember all those times when you felt down, and instead of seeking comfort from others, you just dealt with it yourself?
That’s emotional self-reliance.
When we’re raised by emotionally distant parents, we learn early on not to rely on others for emotional support. We become our own cheerleaders, our own confidants, our own shoulder to cry on.
While this can make us independent and resilient, it can also lead to isolation. We might find it hard to open up to others or seek help when we need it — because hey, we’ve always done it on our own, right?
Recognizing this habit can be a game-changer. It’s okay to lean on others sometimes.
After all, we’re social creatures by nature. And letting others in can lead to deeper, more meaningful connections.
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2) Perfectionism
I’ll never forget this one time in high school. I’d stayed up all night, fine-tuning a history project.
Despite the late hour and my drooping eyelids, I was determined to make it perfect. Why? Because I believed that anything less than perfect wouldn’t be good enough.
Does that resonate with you?
This is perfectionism, and it’s a common habit among those of us raised by emotionally distant boomers. We tend to set excessively high standards for ourselves, driven by a deep-seated fear of not being good enough.
While striving for excellence can lead to great achievements, perfectionism can be a double-edged sword.
It can lead to stress, burnout, and self-criticism if we don’t meet our own unrealistic expectations.
It’s important to remember that it’s okay to make mistakes. They’re opportunities for growth, not signs of failure. And believe it or not, there’s beauty in imperfection.
3) Emotional suppression
Let’s talk about feelings — or rather, the lack of them.
Growing up, my home wasn’t exactly a hotbed of emotional expression. Feelings were something you swallowed down with your dinner, not something you discussed openly.
I learned to hide my emotions, to keep them locked away in a little box inside me. It was safer that way.
Pretty messed up, right?
But here’s the thing. This emotional suppression? It’s not just me. It’s a common survival habit among us children of emotionally distant boomers.
We’ve learned to push our feelings down, to ignore them, to pretend they’re not there. But they are there, and they always find a way to surface — often when we least expect it.
Acknowledging our emotions is the first step towards dealing with them in a healthier way. It’s not easy, I know. But it’s worth it. Because our feelings matter. We matter.
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4) Overcompensating in relationships
Ever found yourself bending over backward for people? Always the one to reach out, to make plans, to keep the peace?
Yep, I’ve been there too.
When we grow up with emotionally distant parents, we sometimes overcompensate in our relationships. We try to be everything for everyone, often at the expense of our own needs and well-being.
We do this because we’re seeking the emotional connection we didn’t have growing up. But it’s exhausting, isn’t it?
It’s important to remember that it’s okay to prioritize our own needs. It’s okay to set boundaries. And it’s okay to expect reciprocation in our relationships.
After all, relationships are a two-way street. And you deserve to be met halfway.
5) High levels of empathy
Did you know that elephants can recognize themselves in a mirror?
That’s a sign of empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. And elephants aren’t the only empathetic creatures out there.
You see, those of us raised by emotionally distant boomers often develop high levels of empathy. We become attuned to other people’s emotions, perhaps because we spent our childhood trying to decipher our parents’ emotional states.
While empathy is a wonderful trait that allows us to connect deeply with others, it can also be overwhelming. We might absorb other people’s emotions so intensely that it affects our own mental well-being.
Recognizing this habit can help us manage our empathy better, ensuring we don’t lose ourselves in the process of understanding others.
6) Seeking validation
I want you to know something — you are enough, just as you are.
Growing up with emotionally distant parents can often lead to a constant search for validation. We yearn for reassurance that we are loved, valued, and accepted.
We might find ourselves seeking approval in our relationships, our careers, even our social media posts.
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But this can leave us feeling empty and unfulfilled when the validation doesn’t come, or when it doesn’t fill the void we feel inside.
True validation comes from within. It’s about recognizing our worth and loving ourselves unconditionally. And trust me, you are worthy. You always have been, and you always will be.
7) Resilience
You’re stronger than you think.
Children of emotionally distant boomers often grow up to be incredibly resilient individuals. We’ve faced emotional hurdles from an early age, and we’ve developed the skills to overcome them.
We’ve learned to navigate through life’s ups and downs, to weather the storms that come our way. And that resilience is a testament to our strength, our courage, and our determination.
Remember, resilience isn’t about not feeling pain or hardship. It’s about experiencing those things and still pushing forward. It’s about turning adversity into growth, challenges into opportunities.
And you’ve got it in spades.
Final thoughts
Recognizing these habits won’t change your past, but it can certainly shape your future.
If you found yourself nodding along as you read this, know that you’re not alone. Many of us raised by emotionally distant boomers have picked up these survival habits along the way.
But remember this – these habits, they’re not your identity. They’re simply coping mechanisms that you’ve developed over the years.
The beauty of self-awareness is that once you’ve spotted these habits, you can start to shift them. You can choose to reach out for support, to express your emotions, to set boundaries in your relationships.
It’s not an overnight process. Unlearning and relearning take time. But each step you take towards understanding yourself better is a step towards a healthier, more fulfilling life.
So be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. You’ve come a long way, and you’re doing just fine.
Remember – you’re not just a survivor. You’re a fighter. And that makes all the difference.
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