Ever notice how making friends seemed so effortless when we were younger? You’d strike up a conversation at work, click with someone at a party, or bond with a neighbor over coffee, and before you know it—friendship bloomed.
But somewhere along the line, things got trickier, didn’t they?
I’ve watched many people in my circle struggle with this exact challenge. Some friends from my old office days have gradually drifted apart from everyone, while others seem to maintain vibrant social circles well into their golden years. What’s the difference?
After years of observing this pattern—and admittedly making some of these mistakes myself—I’ve noticed that people who find it increasingly difficult to maintain close friendships tend to fall into certain behavioral traps. These aren’t character flaws, mind you, but habits that unknowingly push others away.
Let’s explore what might be getting in the way.
1. They wait for others to make the first move
Here’s something I learned the hard way: friendship requires initiative, and that doesn’t magically change as we age.
I remember bumping into an old colleague at the grocery store a few months back. We had a wonderful chat, reminisced about the good times, and both said we should “definitely get together soon.” But then we both just… waited. I thought he’d call, he probably thought I would, and weeks turned into months.
Sound familiar?
Many people assume that if someone truly wants to be friends, they’ll reach out first. But here’s the thing—everyone’s thinking the same way. We’re all standing around waiting for the other person to make the move.
The folks at the University of Kansas found that it takes around 50 hours of time to “move from mere acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to become ‘friends’, and more than 200 hours before you become close friends”. Those hours don’t accumulate by themselves—someone has to pick up the phone.
2. They constantly focus conversations on themselves
Ever been cornered by someone who turns every story into their own personal anecdote? You mention your weekend trip, and suddenly they’re telling you about their vacation from three years ago. You share a work frustration, and they immediately launch into their own job complaints.
We’ve all done this to some degree, but some people make it their conversational default.
I used to have a neighbor who did this religiously. No matter what you brought up—your garden, your grandkids, even your dog’s latest antics—he’d somehow steer it back to his experiences within thirty seconds. Conversations felt less like exchanges and more like waiting for your turn to be his audience.
Here’s what I’ve learned: good friendships thrive on reciprocity. People want to feel heard and understood, not like they’re simply providing material for your next story.
The most magnetic people I know have mastered the art of asking follow-up questions. Instead of thinking about what they’ll say next, they’re genuinely curious about your answer. They remember details from previous conversations and check in about things that matter to you.
It’s a simple shift, but it makes all the difference.
3. They become rigid in their routines and resist new experiences
This one hits close to home because I’ve caught myself slipping into this trap more than once.
As we get older, we tend to develop comfortable routines. We know what we like, we know what works, and frankly, there’s something appealing about predictability.
But here’s the catch—friendships often grow through shared new experiences.
People who struggle with friendships often become so set in their ways that they automatically say no to invitations that fall outside their comfort zone. They skip the book club because they “don’t read that genre.” They avoid dinner parties because they “don’t really like crowds.”
But as I see it, friendships often need fresh soil to grow. When you’re always the person who says no to new adventures, people eventually stop asking.
4. They let technology replace genuine face-to-face connection
Here’s something that still baffles me: we’re more “connected” than ever, yet so many people feel increasingly isolated.
Everyday I watch people at my local coffee shop scrolling through their phones instead of talking to the person sitting across from them. And it’s not just there is happens; data suggests nearly 32% of people are phubbed—that’s phone snubbed—two to three times a day.
Don’t get me wrong—I’m not anti-technology. But there’s something irreplaceable about looking someone in the eye, sharing a laugh, or simply being fully present in each other’s company.
Real friendships are built on authentic moments, not emoji reactions and quick text exchanges.
5. They hold grudges and avoid difficult conversations
You know what kills friendships faster than almost anything else? The silent treatment.
I’ve watched too many potentially great friendships wither away because someone got their feelings hurt and decided to just… disappear. No explanation, no attempt to work things out—just radio silence.
A few years back, I had a falling out with a longtime friend over something that, looking back, was pretty trivial. We’d planned to meet for our usual coffee, and he canceled last minute for the third time in a month. I felt disrespected and unimportant, so instead of telling him how I felt, I just stopped reaching out.
Months passed. Then years.
When we finally talked again at a mutual friend’s gathering, we both realized how silly the whole thing had been. He’d been going through a rough patch with his health and didn’t know how to explain it. I’d been nursing hurt feelings instead of simply asking what was going on.
Here’s what I’ve learned: friendships aren’t fragile things that shatter at the first sign of conflict. The strongest ones actually grow through working out disagreements and misunderstandings together.
I was recently reading by shaman Rudá Iandês new book (great read btw) in which he wrote, “The greatest gift we can give to ourselves and to each other is the gift of our own wholeness, the gift of our own radiant, unbridled humanity.” I’d say that sometimes that means having uncomfortable conversations instead of walking away. Wouldn’t you?
Final thoughts
Looking back on the friendships I’ve maintained over the decades—and honestly, the ones I’ve let slip away—I’ve come to realize that connection isn’t something that just happens to us. It’s something we actively create and nurture.
Maybe it’s time to send that text you’ve been putting off, or finally accept an invitation that’s outside your comfort zone. Perhaps it’s having that difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding, or simply putting your phone away during your next coffee date.
After all, those 200 hours it takes to build a close friendship don’t accumulate themselves—and trust me, the investment is worth every minute.
