My father used to tell me, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” It took me a while to understand what he meant.
You know, there are times when we find ourselves stuck in relationships that drain us more than they uplift us, yet we still hold on.
Ever wondered why?
Well, often it’s our beliefs that keep us tethered to unhealthy relationships longer than necessary. We may not realize it, but these deeply ingrained ideas about love and companionship can sometimes be our undoing.
So, if you’ve found yourself asking, “Why do I stay in a relationship that’s not good for me?” you might want to delve into these seven beliefs that people often cling to when they stay in unhealthy relationships for too long.
Let’s shine a light on these beliefs and see if we can’t shift our perspective a bit. After all, the first step towards change is awareness.
1) “Love is supposed to be hard”
Let’s start with this one.
We’ve all heard this before, haven’t we? The idea that love isn’t supposed to be easy, that it should challenge us and push us to our limits.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Love does involve effort and compromise. But should it be a constant struggle? Should we always feel like we’re fighting a losing battle?
The problem is when we associate love with pain and hardship, we end up normalizing unhealthy dynamics. We start accepting less than what we deserve because we believe that’s just how love works.
But here’s the thing.
Love should make us feel good more often than not. It should bring joy, comfort, and a sense of belonging. It’s not about constant turmoil or enduring suffering in the name of love.
Because true love, my friends, is about respect, understanding, and mutual growth. And there’s nothing hard about that.
2) “I can change them”
This one hits close to home.
A few years back, I found myself in a relationship with someone who had a reckless disregard for their own well-being. They were charming and charismatic, but underneath that fun-loving exterior, they were deeply troubled.
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I believed, with every fiber of my being, that I could help them. That my love would be the catalyst for their change.
But here’s what I learned.
Changing someone isn’t our job. It’s not our responsibility to fix someone else’s issues or morph them into our ideal partner. That journey of change is deeply personal and it needs to come from within them.
Trying to change someone not only puts an unhealthy amount of pressure on us, but it’s also unfair to the other person. It implies that they’re not good enough as they are.
While you can definitely support and encourage your partner’s growth, you can’t change them. That’s a task only they can undertake for themselves.
Looking back now, I realize how misguided my belief was. But hey, we learn from our experiences, don’t we?
3) “I’m afraid of being alone”
Does this sound familiar? Do you ever feel this creeping fear of solitude that makes you cling to relationships, no matter how unhealthy they might be?
I get it. We’re social creatures. We crave companionship and connection. It’s natural to fear loneliness.
But here’s what we often forget.
Being alone does not equate to being lonely. Sometimes, being in a toxic relationship can feel far lonelier than actually being alone.
Embracing solitude can be empowering. It can help us reconnect with ourselves, understand our needs better, and build a life that doesn’t revolve around someone else.
Believe it or not, there’s a certain peace and fulfillment that comes from enjoying your own company. From knowing that you are enough, just as you are.
So if the fear of being alone is keeping you in an unhealthy relationship, it might be time to challenge that belief.
Because at the end of the day, you are the one person you’ll always have. And that’s something worth learning to love.
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4) “They need me”
Ah, the classic savior complex.
We often find ourselves staying in unhealthy relationships because we believe that the other person needs us. That we’re their support system, their lifeline, and without us, they would crumble.
But here’s a reality check.
While it’s okay to be there for someone, it’s not okay to lose yourself in the process. It’s not okay to sacrifice your happiness and well-being for someone else’s.
Supporting someone shouldn’t mean enabling their destructive behavior or tolerating abuse. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Before you can be there for others, you need to take care of yourself.
Everyone is responsible for their own lives and decisions. You can offer help, but you can’t carry someone else’s burdens for them.
5) “This is as good as it gets”
It’s surprising how often we limit ourselves with this belief.
We settle for less, convinced that this is the best we can do, that we can’t aspire for a healthier, happier relationship. We accept the bare minimum, thinking that this is all we’re worthy of.
But allow me to share something.
According to a study, people who have a higher sense of self-worth are more likely to end unhappy relationships, valuing their happiness over the fear of being single.
This tells us something important. Your self-worth plays a crucial role in the kind of relationships you accept. The higher your self-esteem, the less likely you are to settle for something that doesn’t fulfill you.
So if you’ve been holding onto the belief that “this is as good as it gets”, maybe it’s time to work on building your self-esteem.
You deserve happiness. You deserve respect. You deserve a relationship that adds value to your life. And trust me, it’s out there. You just need to believe you’re worthy of it.
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6) “Breaking up means I’ve failed”
I want to tell you something, and I hope it brings you some comfort.
Leaving a relationship that’s not serving you doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Not at all. It means you’ve chosen to prioritize yourself. It means you’ve recognized that you deserve better, and you’ve taken a step towards it.
Often, we view breakups as personal failures. We think we couldn’t make it work, that we weren’t good enough. But that’s not the truth.
Every relationship teaches us something valuable. It helps us understand ourselves better, shows us what we want and what we don’t, and ultimately, brings us one step closer to the kind of love we truly desire.
So if you’re clinging onto an unhealthy relationship because you’re afraid of feeling like a failure, I hope you let go of that belief.
Choosing yourself isn’t failure. It’s courage. It’s strength. And it’s one of the most empowering decisions you can make.
7) “I don’t deserve better”
This is perhaps the most damaging belief of all.
When we internalize the idea that we don’t deserve better, we’re essentially giving others permission to treat us poorly. We allow ourselves to be disrespected, mistreated, and undervalued.
However, you are deserving of love and respect. You are deserving of a relationship that brings you joy, peace, and fulfillment. Don’t let anyone make you believe otherwise, especially not yourself.
Your worth isn’t determined by how someone else treats you. It’s inherent. It’s unchangeable. And it’s high time you started believing it.
If you’ve been holding onto the belief that “I don’t deserve better”, I hope you find the strength to challenge it. Because my friend, you deserve the world and nothing less.
Embrace your worth
Here’s the silver lining though – identifying these beliefs is the first step towards changing them.
It’s not about blaming ourselves or feeling guilty. It’s about understanding where these beliefs stem from and consciously choosing to challenge them. It’s about recognizing our worth and refusing to settle for less than what we deserve.
You see, the beauty of beliefs is that they’re not set in stone. They can be changed, reshaped, and replaced. And that power lies within you.
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It might seem daunting at first, but remember, change is a process. It’s a journey of self-discovery and growth. And every small step you take towards challenging these beliefs is a victory in itself.
Be gentle with yourself. Seek support if you need it. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small it may seem.
At the end of the day, you are deserving of love and respect. You are deserving of a relationship that brings you joy and fulfillment. And the sooner you start believing this, the sooner you’ll start attracting it into your life.
So here’s to embracing our worth, to challenging our beliefs, and to building healthier, happier relationships. Because we all deserve that kind of love, don’t we?
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