Childhood shapes us in ways we often don’t realize until we’re adults. One of the most influential aspects of our upbringing? Praise, or lack thereof.
Those who grew up without regular affirmation can display certain subtle behaviors later in life. It’s not about blaming parents or regretting the past, but understanding how it may have influenced us.
In this article, we’ll explore seven subtle behaviors typically displayed by adults who didn’t receive much praise as kids. We’re not just going to identify these behaviors, but also discuss how understanding them can lead to self-improvement and personal growth.
Remember, it’s not about dwelling on the past, but using our understanding to cultivate mindfulness and compassion for ourselves and others. Let’s dive in.
1) Overachievement
One common trait among adults who didn’t receive much praise as children is the constant drive to overachieve.
Growing up without recognition can foster an internal need to constantly prove one’s worth. This can manifest as overachievement in various aspects of life, whether it’s academics, work, or even hobbies.
These individuals can often be found working tirelessly to perfect their craft or outperform their peers. It’s their way of seeking the validation they didn’t receive during their formative years.
But it’s important to remember that this isn’t necessarily a negative trait. Overachievers can accomplish great things and bring about positive changes.
However, it becomes a problem when it stems from a place of insecurity and self-doubt. Recognizing this behavior is the first step towards self-improvement and cultivating mindful self-acceptance.
2) Difficulty accepting compliments
Another subtle behavior I’ve noticed, especially within myself, is difficulty accepting compliments.
Growing up, I didn’t receive much praise. Even when I did something praiseworthy, it was often overlooked or downplayed. So as an adult, when someone compliments me, I instinctively recoil or deflect their praise.
I remember a time when a friend complimented my writing skills. Instead of thanking them, I brushed it off and threw in a self-deprecating joke. It took a lot of introspection for me to realize that this habit stemmed from my childhood experiences.
Now, understanding this behavior has helped me to be more mindful about accepting compliments graciously. It’s an ongoing journey of self-improvement and learning to accept and embrace positive feedback.
3) Fear of failure
Adults who didn’t receive much praise as children often develop a deep-seated fear of failure. This isn’t a baseless claim, but one that’s supported by psychological research.
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Dr. Carol Dweck, a renowned psychologist from Stanford University, has conducted extensive research on the concept of “mindsets”. She found that children who are not praised for their efforts tend to develop a “fixed mindset”. This means they believe their abilities are static and cannot be improved.
As adults, this translates into a fear of failure. They avoid challenges and opportunities for growth, fearing that failure would confirm their perceived inadequacy.
Recognizing this fear is the first step towards developing a “growth mindset”, which involves understanding that abilities and intelligence can be developed. It’s not an easy journey, but it’s a crucial one for personal growth and self-improvement.
4) Perfectionism
Perfectionism is another common trait in adults who didn’t receive much praise as children. It’s a relentless pursuit of flawlessness, setting extremely high standards, and being overly critical of oneself.
Without praise to reinforce their self-worth, these individuals might start believing that they need to be perfect to be worthy of love and acceptance. They hold themselves to unrealistic standards, and any mistake or shortcoming is seen as a failure.
While striving for excellence can be beneficial, perfectionism often leads to stress, anxiety, and burnout. It’s not about lowering standards, but rather, cultivating self-compassion and understanding that it’s okay to make mistakes.
Recognizing this behavior can be a significant step towards self-improvement and achieving a healthier balance in life.
5) Difficulty expressing emotions
I’ve always had a hard time expressing my feelings. As a kid, my achievements were often met with silence rather than praise. Over time, I learned to suppress my emotions, believing they were not important or worthy of attention.
Fast forward to adulthood, and this behavior persisted. Whether it was joy, sadness, or anger, I found it incredibly challenging to openly express these emotions. It was as if I had built a wall around myself, keeping my feelings locked away.
It took years of self-reflection and mindfulness practice to understand the root of this behavior. Recognizing it has been instrumental in my journey towards emotional health and well-being.
Now, I make a conscious effort to express my feelings in a healthy and constructive manner, understanding that they are valid and important.
6) Overly critical
Another subtle behavior that adults who didn’t receive much praise as children often display is being overly critical, both of themselves and others.
Without receiving positive reinforcement during their developmental years, they might develop a skewed perspective that focuses more on flaws and shortcomings.
This critical nature can manifest in various ways. Some may constantly nitpick their work or appearance, never fully satisfied with their efforts. Others might judge people harshly or set unrealistic expectations for those around them.
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While it’s important to strive for improvement, being overly critical can lead to unnecessary stress and strained relationships. Recognizing this trait allows one to work towards a more balanced and compassionate viewpoint, promoting self-improvement and healthier interactions with others.
7) Strong need for control
A strong need for control is often a telltale sign of adults who never received praise as children. The unpredictability of their childhood environment may have instilled a deep desire to control all aspects of their life as a form of self-protection.
This can manifest in different ways: from being overly organized and meticulous, to struggling with delegation because they believe no one else can do it ‘right’.
While a certain level of control is necessary, an excessive need for it can lead to anxiety and interfere with interpersonal relationships. Understanding this behavior is key to fostering flexibility, trust in others and letting go of the illusion of complete control.
Final thoughts: It’s about understanding, not blaming
The behaviors we’ve discussed, while rooted in a lack of childhood praise, are not definitive or unchangeable. They are subtle patterns that can change with understanding and self-awareness.
Dr. Daniel Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and a renowned expert in childhood development, proposes the idea of “mindsight”. This refers to our ability to perceive and understand our own minds and those of others.
The concept of mindsight encourages us to reflect on our behaviors and reactions, helping us make sense of them. It’s not about assigning blame to our past or our parents but understanding the impact it may have had on us.
For those who didn’t receive much praise as children, recognizing these behaviors is the first step towards self-improvement. It’s about cultivating self-acceptance, self-compassion, and mindfulness.
Remember, it’s never too late to change our patterns and grow. Our past may shape us, but it doesn’t define us.
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