We don’t usually set out to push people away—especially not the ones we care about. But sometimes, the things we say can have an unintended impact.
This is something I’ve seen time and time again in my sessions, and I’ve experienced it in my own life, too. Words carry weight, and even the most offhand remarks can create emotional distance.
The most common culprits? These seven seemingly innocent phrases.
1. “I’m fine.”
We’ve all said it, right? “I’m fine” is practically a default response whenever someone asks how we’re doing or if something’s bothering us. On the surface, it sounds okay. It’s short. It’s polite. It’s a way to keep the conversation from going too deep—or so we think.
But here’s the thing: “I’m fine” can also be a barrier. It can tell the other person, “I don’t want to open up,” or worse, “You’re not someone I trust enough to share my real feelings with.” Over time, people might stop asking how you truly feel because they assume they’ll get the same surface-level answer.
I once had a client who felt disconnected from her partner. He had complained she was distant, but she never wanted to “burden” him, so whenever he asked if she was okay, she responded with “I’m fine.” Eventually, he stopped asking—leading her to feel even more isolated.
If you’re not actually fine, say something like, “I’m not feeling my best today, but thank you for asking.” When we open ourselves up, we let people in. And that’s often the first step to genuine connection.
2. “You always/you never…”
Have you ever noticed how using words like “always” or “never” instantly raises the emotional temperature in a conversation?
Sweeping generalizations can feel like an attack. The person on the receiving end might think, Really? Always? Never? That can’t be true!
For instance, if you say to a friend, “You always blow me off when something better comes along,” you might think you’re just expressing frustration. But it might sound more like a character judgment, even if that’s not your intention.
It’s much more productive to focus on the specific behavior that’s bothering you rather than making it sound like a permanent flaw. Instead of labeling someone’s actions as always happening, describe what happened in that moment. You could say, “When we had plans yesterday and you canceled last minute, it made me feel unimportant.” That way, you’re pointing to a particular instance—and giving them room to respond without feeling attacked.
3. “You’re too sensitive.”
This phrase was actually ranked as the most passive-aggressive remark in a recent Preply survey—and it’s no wonder why.
On the surface, it might seem like a casual comment or even a joke. But underneath, it dismisses the other person’s feelings entirely. When someone hears, “You’re too sensitive,” what they often internalize is, “Your emotions aren’t valid,” or worse, “There’s something wrong with you for feeling the way you do.”
It’s a subtle form of gaslighting. It shifts the focus from the impact of the original comment or action to the person’s reaction, making them feel like the problem.
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A better alternative? Try listening without judgment.
If someone is upset by something you said or did, resist the urge to correct their emotions. Instead, say, “I didn’t realize that came across that way—thank you for telling me.” That small shift creates space for openness and healing, rather than defensiveness and distance.
4. “No offense, but…”
Let’s be honest: nothing good usually follows “no offense, but…” It’s often a preamble to a critique or a negative opinion. Ironically, those three words can make the comment sting even more because the listener braces themselves for a blow.
One of my clients used this phrase constantly. She felt it softened the impact of her bluntness, but to others, it felt like she was giving herself permission to say something hurtful. “No offense, but you really don’t know what you’re talking about…” never lands well.
As Tony Robbins famously said, “The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.” If we’re habitually using “no offense, but…” we’re already setting up a defensive environment. It might be better to say something like, “Here’s my perspective—let me know what you think,” or simply, “I see it differently. Can I share why?”
It may feel awkward at first to drop the “no offense” safety net, but it’s a major step toward more genuine and respectful conversation.
5. “I told you so.”
This one is a bit of a classic, right? It feels good for about two seconds—the smug satisfaction of being correct—but it often leaves the other person feeling small or belittled.
Even if you were right, you can express concern without piling on. People need solutions or a compassionate ear, not an extra serving of shame.
Think about what you’d want to hear if you were in their shoes. A better response might be, “I can understand how frustrating that must feel. Let’s talk about how to move forward.”
6. “Just get over it.”
Sometimes, the reason we say this is because we’re uncomfortable witnessing someone else’s pain—or we’re frustrated that they can’t move on quickly.
But healing and emotional processing don’t work on a strict timetable. Instead, we can hold space for them, even if we don’t fully understand what they’re going through.
A comforting alternative could be something like, “I hear you. Let me know if you want to talk or if there’s anything I can do.” Often, that’s enough to make someone feel supported rather than dismissed.
7. “You wouldn’t understand.”
Looking back, this one probably deserved a higher spot on the list.
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Anyway, “You wouldn’t understand” can create an immediate chasm between you and the other person. It suggests they lack the empathy or intelligence to relate to you. It’s also a subtle way of telling them their perspective or experiences don’t matter.
I’ve heard this from couples more times than I can count. One partner feels the other just “can’t possibly get it,” so they shut down communication.
But as Maya Angelou beautifully said, “We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.” We might come from different backgrounds or have different personalities, but often there’s more common ground than we initially assume.
A better approach might be, “This is really tough to explain, but I’ll do my best to help you see where I’m coming from.” That opens the door for deeper understanding instead of shutting the door on the conversation entirely.
Final thoughts
If you’ve found yourself repeatedly leaning on these phrases, don’t beat yourself up. Awareness is the first step to growth.
No one’s perfect, but each day we have a new chance to be a little kinder, a little clearer, and a little more aware. By watching out for these seven phrases, you’re already taking a step toward more authentic, fulfilling relationships.
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