If I’ve lost my temper, I know I’ve messed up. If my adult kids are distant, I know I’ve hurt them.
That’s the basics of parenting for me.
But oh boy, it isn’t always that simple.
As a parent, understanding the complexities and nuances of your grown-up children can be as challenging as deciphering a coded message without a key.
I’ve made my fair share of blunders and today, I’m rolling up my sleeves to amend them.
Navigating this journey isn’t easy but hey, the least we can do as parents is keep trying, right?
After all, mastering the art of communication and mending our mistakes is what makes us human.
1) Assuming I always know best
There’s a certain level of arrogance that comes with being a parent.
You think, “I’ve been around the block a few more times than you,” and assume that your experience translates into always knowing what’s best for your kids.
Even when they’re adults.
But here’s the thing, experience isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution.
Just because something worked for me, doesn’t mean it’ll work for them. And it took me a while to realize this.
Oh, how many arguments we had over decisions they made that I didn’t agree with!
So, I’m working on it—on stopping myself from stepping in whenever I think they’re about to make a mistake.
Instead, I’m trying to guide them by sharing my experiences and advice, but ultimately leaving the final decision up to them.
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It’s their life, after all. They need to live it on their own terms.
And honestly? It’s been a learning curve, but certainly one worth navigating.
2) Not respecting their independence
Independent thinking is a trait that I’ve always admired in others.
Yet, when my own kids started showing it, I balked.
I remember when my daughter, fresh out of college, decided to move to a different city for a job. I was terrified.
My mind was filled with worries: Will she be safe? Can she handle living alone? Isn’t it too soon?
Instead of encouraging her independence, I tried to persuade her to reconsider, to find a job closer to home.
It led to a heated discussion, and in the end, she moved anyway.
Looking back, I realize how wrong I was. She needed that push from the nest, that chance to spread her wings and fly.
And fly she did. Today, she’s a successful professional and a confident woman who isn’t afraid to take on the world.
Instead of holding them back, I strive to be their biggest cheerleader, supporting their choices and respecting their independence.
After all, they’ve proven they can handle it.
And isn’t that what we want for our children—to see them stand strong on their own?
3) Expecting them to be mini versions of me
We all have a habit of seeing the world through our own lens, and as parents, we’re no different.
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It’s easy to fall into the trap of expecting our kids to follow our path, to embody our values, and essentially become mini versions of us.
Children are not mere replicas of their parents.
They are individuals with their own personalities, strengths, weaknesses, and dreams.
And it’s our job as parents to nurture their individuality and not stifle it.
Instead of molding them into my image, I’m learning to celebrate their uniqueness.
I’m encouraging them to follow their own path, even if it’s different from mine.
Because at the end of the day, they’re not here to live my dreams. They’re here to live their own.
4) Not listening enough
Communication is a two-way street.
Yet, somehow, when it came to my adult kids, I was doing most of the talking and not enough listening.
I would often interrupt them, eager to provide my insights or advice, without really understanding their perspective.
I realize now that this was more about asserting my authority than helping them.
So, I’ve decided to turn a new leaf.
Now, I make it a point to listen more and talk less.
To understand their point of view before offering my own.
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To give them the space to express themselves without my constant interjections.
And you know what? It’s made our relationship so much better.
They feel acknowledged and I get to understand them better.
Turns out, sometimes the best thing you can say is nothing at all. Just listen.
5) Trying to fix everything for them
As a parent, my first instinct when my kids face a problem is to swoop in and fix it. I guess that’s just part of being a mom.
But as they grew older, I realized that this isn’t always the best approach.
My constant interference was actually preventing them from learning how to deal with challenges on their own.
I’ve since learned that it’s okay to let them struggle a bit.
It’s through these struggles that they gain valuable life skills and build resilience.
Now, instead of rushing in to solve their problems, I offer support and guidance when they need it, but I let them take the lead.
I have to admit, it’s not easy watching them stumble.
But I remind myself that it’s part of their journey and that they’ll come out stronger in the end. And they usually do.
6) Shielding them from failure
I thought as a parent, my job was to protect my kids from everything, including failure.
I would go to great lengths to ensure they didn’t face the disappointment and frustration that comes with it.
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But, I’ve since realized that failure is an essential part of personal growth.
It teaches us resilience, perseverance, and humility.
Instead of shielding them from failure, I now encourage them to take risks and face challenges head-on.
Yes, they might fail, but they might also succeed. And even if they don’t, they’ll learn valuable lessons along the way.
While it might seem like I’m letting them fall, what I’m really doing is letting them learn to pick themselves up.
And that’s a lesson worth learning.
7) Forgetting they’re adults
My kids will always be my babies, but they’re not kids anymore.
They’re adults with their own lives, responsibilities, and decisions to make.
In the past, I would often speak to them as if they were still teenagers, forgetting that they’ve grown into mature individuals who are capable of making their own decisions.
After a few awkward confrontations and some self-reflection, I realized that I was undermining their adulthood.
And that’s not fair.
So now, I make an effort to treat them as the adults they are.
I respect their choices, value their opinions, and trust in their judgment.
It’s a simple shift in mindset, but it’s done wonders for our relationship.
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After all, seeing them grow into responsible, independent adults is the ultimate goal of parenting, isn’t it?
8) Not saying ‘I love you’ enough
Amidst all the advice, corrections, and constructive criticism, I sometimes forgot to voice the most important thing – my unconditional love for them.
It’s easy to assume that our kids know how much we love them, but sometimes, they need to hear it.
Now, I don’t hesitate to say those three little words.
Whether it’s during a casual conversation, a text message, or a family dinner – I make sure they know just how much they mean to me.
Because at the end of the day, love is the foundation of our relationship.
And it’s something they should never have to question.
Embracing the journey of learning
As you’ve journeyed with me through these mistakes, I hope you’ve realized that being a parent to adult children is a process of continuous learning and growth.
There’s no manual for it, no one-size-fits-all solution. We stumble, we falter, we make mistakes.
But, as American author and motivational speaker Zig Ziglar once aptly said, “It’s not how far you fall, but how high you bounce that counts.”
Yes, I’ve made mistakes with my adult kids. And yes, I’m working on fixing them.
But in the process, I’m not just becoming a better parent. I’m also growing as a person.
And isn’t that what life is all about? Constantly learning, evolving, and striving to be the best version of ourselves.
As you reflect on your own journey as a parent to adult children, remember this: It’s okay to make mistakes.
It’s okay to not have all the answers. What matters is that we keep trying, we keep learning, and most importantly, we keep loving.
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Because at the end of the day, that’s what our kids need from us the most – our unconditional love and support as they navigate the complexities of adulthood.
And that’s something we can all strive to give, regardless of the mistakes we’ve made along the way.
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