We’ve all felt it before—that knot in the stomach that says, “What if they leave? What if I’m not good enough?”
But for some people, this fear of abandonment isn’t just an occasional worry. It’s a persistent, almost looming presence in their relationships. In my work as a relationship expert, I’ve seen the fear of abandonment manifest in subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways that often fly under the radar.
Today, I’m going to unpack five relationship behaviors that I’ve frequently observed in individuals who fear abandonment.
If any of these resonate, don’t panic—it’s perfectly normal to have patterns we’re not proud of. We can unlearn them once we’re aware of them.
Let’s get started.
1. Excessive reassurance-seeking
Has your partner ever commented that you ask, “Are we okay?” more times than they can count?
Maybe you find yourself fishing for compliments, or you replay your partner’s texts in your head for hours, analyzing each emoji and punctuation mark.
I once had a client who would habitually say, “Tell me again you love me?” multiple times a day. Her fear was so strong that she needed constant verbal proof that her partner wasn’t secretly preparing to leave.
Why it happens
When you fear abandonment, your mind is always searching for signs that your partner is inching toward the exit. You look for clues, read between the lines of every conversation, and want immediate reassurance that you’re still loved and valued.
While seeking reassurance isn’t inherently bad—everyone needs comfort and affirmation sometimes—excessive reassurance-seeking becomes a relationship hurdle. Over time, it can wear on your partner, who may feel overwhelmed or burdened by the constant need to prove their loyalty.
The bottom line is that you have every right to want clarity in your relationship, but it’s helpful to self-reflect on whether you’re asking for reassurance more out of panic than actual need.
2. Over-accommodating in an attempt to “earn” love
Have you ever noticed that when we fear being left, we often try to make ourselves indispensable?
I’ve seen this show up time and time again as bending over backward to make a partner happy, even at the cost of one’s own well-being.
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What this looks like
- You rarely say “no,” even if it inconveniences you.
- You pretend to be okay with things you secretly dislike, from your partner’s choice in movie night to their way of handling money.
- You take on more responsibilities than you can handle, just to maintain a certain image or to prevent them from seeking someone else’s help.
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” That’s a quote from Brené Brown that I think sums it up beautifully.
Fear of abandonment can convince you that boundaries will only drive people away. In truth, a healthy boundary demonstrates self-respect—and, ironically, fosters more genuine respect from your partner as well.
3. Testing or sabotaging the relationship
Ever found yourself picking fights over little things? Or maybe you dish out the silent treatment after a perceived slight? Sometimes, that fear of abandonment shows up as a form of “testing”—pushing your partner’s buttons to see if they’ll leave or not.
It’s a paradox: When you’re afraid of losing someone, why would you do things that might push them away? Well, it happens more often than you’d think. In a way, it’s a self-defense mechanism. By creating drama, you’re trying to control the timing or conditions of a potential breakup—almost like bracing for the inevitable blow.
Unfortunately, though, all that drama can become the very catalyst for the downfall you fear.
4. Avoiding open communication and bottling up emotions
As odd as it might sound, many (if not most) people with a fear of abandonment keep their true feelings to themselves. They hold off on expressing needs or concerns, thinking that by staying quiet, they won’t “rock the boat.”
This might work temporarily, but bottled-up emotions often lead to resentment, anxiety, and eventually a big, explosive confrontation down the road.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. Without it, misunderstandings and hidden grievances pile up.
A little story
I once worked with a couple in which the man bottled up every disappointment. He believed that if he didn’t voice his concerns, he’d appear more easygoing and “less trouble.” He feared that too many complaints would scare his partner away.
But by the time they arrived in my room, he was seething with pent-up frustrations—some of them over the smallest things like not folding laundry “correctly.”
And guess what? His partner felt blindsided and betrayed by the hidden anger.
Sheryl Sandberg once said, “We cannot change what we are not aware of, and once we are aware, we cannot help but change.” This absolutely applies to emotional expression, too.
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If you’re not sharing your feelings, you’re basically robbing your partner of the chance to understand you—and to be part of resolving the issues together. It might be uncomfortable in the short term, but it’s the most sustainable way to nurture a secure relationship.
5. Clinging to the relationship at the expense of personal growth
Last but not least, when you fear abandonment, there can be an excessive focus on the relationship itself—almost like it’s your entire identity. Hobbies, friendships, and personal goals might get left behind because you’re spending all your energy keeping the relationship stable.
It stems from the belief that if your whole life revolves around your partner, they’ll have no reason to walk away.
What you’re sacrificing
- Friendships that bring a different kind of joy and perspective to your life.
- Hobbies that could help you relieve stress and build confidence.
- Professional or personal goals that could help you grow into a more fulfilled version of yourself.
The irony
Cultivating your independence can actually make the relationship stronger. It brings fresh experiences, new conversation topics, and a sense of individuality that keeps things interesting.
Plus, when you’re engaged in your own passions, you’re radiating an authentic confidence—something that’s way more attractive than constant availability.
Final thoughts
At the end of the day, fear of abandonment is a powerful force, and it can lead us into behaviors that undermine the love and security we crave.
But the good news is that once you recognize these patterns, you can work on reversing them.
If you find yourself resonating with one or more of these behaviors, take it as a nudge toward self-reflection rather than self-criticism.
Maybe that means talking to a trusted friend or therapist or simply setting aside some quiet time to journal about your feelings. Even small steps, done consistently, can chip away at the fear of abandonment and create space for a healthier, happier relationship.
You deserve love that doesn’t feel like it might slip away at any moment. By identifying and unlearning these patterns, you’re moving closer to a more secure, authentic connection—with both yourself and the people you choose to share your life with.
Take it one step at a time. You’ve got this.
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