Growing up in chaos leaves its mark. We learn survival tactics, strategies to cope in the wild world we were thrust into. But as we get older, these coping mechanisms can hold us back more than they help us.
Letting go of these survival tactics is hard. It’s like saying goodbye to an old friend who’s no longer good for us. But it’s a necessary step towards healthier relationships and a happier life.
In this article, we’ll explore eight survival tactics often developed in a chaotic childhood. And, more importantly, how to say goodbye to them. Trust me, you’ll feel lighter once you do.
1) Hyper-vigilance
If you grew up in a chaotic environment, you likely developed an acute sense of awareness. This hyper-vigilance was your radar, always scanning for danger or potential threats.
This kept you safe in an unpredictable world.
But as an adult, this state of constant alert can be exhausting and even create anxiety. It’s hard to let go of that need to always be ready for the worst, but it’s important to realize that not every situation requires such intense vigilance.
You’re not that vulnerable child anymore. It’s okay to let your guard down sometimes, to allow yourself a little peace. It’s not easy, but saying goodbye to hyper-vigilance is a crucial step towards a calmer, happier life.
Remember, it’s okay to relax and just be in the moment.
2) People-pleasing
For a long time, I found myself saying ‘yes’ to everyone and everything. I was always trying to please everyone around me, even if it meant sacrificing my own needs and desires.
This people-pleasing was a survival tactic I’d picked up in my chaotic childhood. When you grow up in chaos, keeping the peace often means doing whatever it takes to make others happy – even if it’s at your own expense.
But here’s what I’ve learned: pleasing everyone is impossible and exhausting. It’s a recipe for burnout and resentment.
So, I’ve started saying ‘no’. It’s been difficult, and sometimes people are taken aback by my newfound assertiveness. But standing up for myself has also brought me a new level of respect and self-worth.
Saying goodbye to people-pleasing doesn’t mean becoming selfish or uncaring. It means learning to balance your own needs with those of others – and understanding that you’re just as important.
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3) Emotional suppression
Emotional suppression is a common survival tactic in chaotic households. The logic is simple: If you don’t show your feelings, they can’t be used against you.
This might help in a volatile environment, but in the long run, it can cause more harm than good. Research has shown that suppressing emotions can lead to physical and mental health problems, from cardiovascular disease to depression and anxiety.
While it might feel safer to bottle up your feelings, it’s healthier to express them in a constructive way. You might find that people are more understanding and supportive than you expect. And even if they’re not, you have the right to express your feelings. Your emotions are valid, and they deserve to be heard.
4) Self-isolation
Growing up in turbulence often leads to a tendency to self-isolate. It’s a way to create a sense of control and safety that was lacking during childhood.
But while it’s okay to enjoy your own company and need time alone, complete self-isolation can lead to loneliness and lack of social support.
The world isn’t as scary as it might seem, and not everyone is out to get you. Opening up to others and building healthy relationships is a key part of personal growth.
Saying goodbye to self-isolation doesn’t mean you have to be the life of the party. It simply means allowing yourself to form connections with others, and letting them see the real you. It’s okay to need people, and it’s okay to let them need you too.
5) Overcompensation
When you grow up in chaos, it’s easy to feel like you’re never quite enough. That’s where overcompensation comes in. You work twice as hard, push yourself twice as far, just to prove that you’re worthy.
But here’s the thing: you don’t have anything to prove. You are enough, just as you are.
Overcompensation can lead to burnout and a constant sense of dissatisfaction. It’s a race with no finish line, because there will always be another goal to achieve, another mountain to climb.
Saying goodbye to overcompensation means learning to value yourself for who you are, not what you achieve. It means understanding that your worth isn’t determined by external accomplishments, but by your own intrinsic value.
You don’t have to push yourself to the brink to be worthy of love and respect. You are enough, just as you are. Remember that.
6) Perfectionism
Growing up, my home life was a mess. So, I tried to make everything else perfect. My grades, my appearance, my behavior – everything had to be just right. It was my way of controlling something when everything else felt out of control.
This perfectionism followed me into adulthood. It became a standard I held myself to, often leading to stress and self-criticism when I inevitably fell short.
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But perfection is an illusion. No one is perfect, and it’s unfair to hold ourselves to such an unrealistic standard.
Letting go of perfectionism means allowing yourself to make mistakes and learn from them. It means understanding that growth comes from failure as much as success. It’s about embracing your imperfections and seeing them not as flaws, but as part of what makes you uniquely you.
7) Neglecting self-care
In a chaotic childhood, taking care of yourself often takes a backseat. You’re too busy navigating the chaos, trying to keep your head above water.
But neglecting self-care is a habit that can follow you into adulthood. You may put everyone else’s needs before your own or feel guilty for taking time for yourself.
Remember, self-care isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and you can’t take care of others if you’re not taking care of yourself.
Saying goodbye to neglecting self-care means prioritizing your well-being. It means setting boundaries, taking time to rest, and doing things that make you happy. You deserve to be taken care of, and that starts with taking care of yourself.
8) Fear of trust
The most crucial survival tactic to let go of is the fear of trust. Growing up in a chaotic environment often leads to a deep-seated mistrust of others. It’s a protective barrier, keeping you safe from potential harm.
But not everyone is out to hurt you. There are people who genuinely care about your well-being and want to support you.
Learning to trust again can be challenging and scary, but it’s also incredibly rewarding. It opens the door to deeper connections, healthier relationships, and a stronger support network.
Trust doesn’t mean being naive or letting people take advantage of you. It means being open to the possibility of genuine care and support from others. It’s a risk, yes, but one worth taking.
Embrace the transformation
The journey of letting go of survival tactics from a chaotic childhood is far from easy. It’s a path filled with self-discovery, introspection, and sometimes, painful realizations.
But this journey is also about growth and transformation. It’s about shedding old layers that no longer serve you and embracing a new, healthier version of yourself.
Childhood experiences shape us, but they don’t have to define us. You are not the chaos you grew up in. You are not the survival tactics you developed.
You are a person of strength, resilience, and potential. You have the power to break from your past and build a future that reflects who you truly are.
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As psychologist Carl Rogers famously said, “The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.”
So take this journey one step at a time. Be patient with yourself. Celebrate your progress. Each step you take towards letting go of these survival tactics is a step towards your own ‘good life’.
Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. There are people who understand and support your transformation. And most importantly, believe in your ability to heal and grow.
After all, the most beautiful flowers bloom from the deepest roots.
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