It’s no secret that family dynamics can get complicated once kids grow up and move out.
I’ve worked with countless parents who sense a growing distance between themselves and their adult children, and they’re not sure where it all started—or how to fix it.
Maybe you’re experiencing fewer calls, less engagement, or a sense of guardedness when you do talk.
Whatever the specifics, it can leave you feeling hurt, confused, and perhaps even a little resentful.
But here’s what I often tell clients: relationships are a two-way street. How we act can play a major role in whether those bonds tighten or loosen.
Below are seven behaviors I’ve observed in baby boomers that often hinder genuine connection with their grown kids.
They’re not meant to point fingers, but rather to shine a light on what could be happening—so you can feel more empowered to reconnect.
1. Holding on to old expectations
It’s easy for parents to forget that children eventually evolve into adults with their own values and priorities.
When these priorities diverge from the ones you once had for them, friction often arises.
I once had a boomer client who deeply believed her daughter should follow in her footsteps and take over the family business.
But her daughter had a passion for social work and felt guilty for not meeting her mother’s wishes.
Because my client clung so tightly to her old expectations, it created tension that spilled into every phone call and holiday visit.
If you’re set on seeing your child pursue a path they no longer desire, it’s time for a mental shift.
Let go of how you thought things “should be,” and allow space for who your child really is now. It not only relieves pressure for them, but also frees you from carrying resentment.
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2. Over-criticizing life choices
A close cousin to holding on to expectations is the habit of criticizing life choices.
Are you pointing out that your daughter’s new job “doesn’t pay enough” or that your son’s parenting style “is too soft”?
Even if your criticisms come from a place of love, constant negativity can make adult children avoid real conversations with you.
This is particularly tough for adult kids who want parental approval—but can’t get it.
Research by Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship expert, suggests that negative interactions significantly outweigh positive ones when it comes to harming relationships.
One or two supportive words won’t easily erase the sting of repeated criticism.
Instead of critiquing everything you think they’re doing “wrong,” try asking questions or offering support.
For instance, if your son’s job concerns you, ask about his goals rather than insisting he’s making a bad move.
The shift from “You’re doing this the wrong way” to “How’s that new job going? What’s your favorite part so far?” can be transformative.
3. Not respecting boundaries
Think of boundaries as personal spaces that everyone, regardless of age, has the right to maintain.
Sometimes, parents of adult children don’t realize they’re crossing lines—like showing up unannounced, prying into private matters, or insisting on details about finances or romantic relationships.
Even well-intentioned questions can feel invasive if they’re delivered frequently or without sensitivity.
I worked with a couple who constantly dropped by their son’s apartment because they missed him.
To them, it seemed loving. To their son and his spouse, it felt like a big intrusion.
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When they finally had an honest conversation, the parents were shocked to learn just how trapped their visits made their son feel.
If you’re unsure whether you’re respecting your child’s boundaries, try asking.
A simple “Is there anything you need from me or want me to ease up on right now?” opens the door for honest feedback—and fosters genuine respect.
4. Retreating into passive-aggressiveness
Ever sent (or received) a text like, “I guess you’re too busy for your old mom/dad these days…”?
That right there is a hallmark of passive-aggressive communication.
It can feel like a minor jab, but these small remarks add up over time, turning into resentment and guilt on both sides.
Sometimes, parents who feel disconnected hide their true emotions behind snarky comments or subtle put-downs.
But passive-aggressiveness rarely sparks real conversation or healing.
Instead, it drives a wedge deeper because it forces your adult child to decode what you really mean—which can be mentally draining and frustrating.
If you’re upset that your son or daughter isn’t calling more, try a direct approach.
A statement like, “I miss talking to you and would love if we could plan a time to catch up each week,” is way more effective.
It’s clear, honest, and invites collaboration instead of defensiveness.
5. Minimizing or dismissing their struggles
When a grown child comes to you with a concern—like frustration at work, issues in their marriage, or mental health challenges—it’s natural to want to offer perspective.
But saying things like “You think you have it hard? You have no idea what I went through at your age,” or “Oh, don’t worry, that’s nothing,” can feel incredibly invalidating.
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Yes, you may have faced your own share of adversity. Perhaps you juggled multiple jobs while raising a family or dealt with economic hardships they haven’t experienced.
That doesn’t mean your child’s struggles aren’t real and important to them in their current situation.
My advice? Practice active listening. Let them vent. Show empathy.
Then, if they’re open to it, share your perspective or suggestions without belittling what they’re going through.
This simple shift can turn a dismissive response into a supportive conversation that forges deeper bonds rather than fraying them.
6. Confusing concern with control
Boomers often come from a generation where parents played a more directive role in their kids’ decisions—whether that was about college, career, or even dating.
The trouble arises when that sense of direction bleeds into trying to take control over adult kids’ choices.
I recall a family session with a mother who insisted her son’s relationship was “doomed” if he didn’t follow her advice.
She found herself calling daily to check on his progress, offering “tips” that often sounded like demands. All in the name of concern.
The result? He stopped picking up the phone.
Concern can be loving, but control almost never is.
If you notice your child pulling away or responding with frustration, ask yourself: Am I offering guidance, or am I pushing an agenda?
Focus on being a resource they can turn to, rather than someone who dictates their every move.
7. Failing to show vulnerability
At the end of the day, authentic relationships flourish when both sides feel safe being honest about their needs, fears, and emotions.
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I’ve seen many boomer parents who keep a tight lid on their feelings because they believe their role is to remain strong, unwavering, and always in control.
But vulnerability, when balanced and sincere, can breed empathy and closeness.
If you’re scared your child is drifting away, or you’re worried about the next stage of your own life, saying so can bridge the gap.
It might feel uncomfortable at first—especially if you grew up in an environment where parents never admitted to fear or doubt.
Yet time and time again, I’ve witnessed breakthroughs the moment a parent opens up.
Rather than being met with judgment, many are pleasantly surprised to find their adult children feeling honored that they chose to share something so personal.
It invites reciprocity, giving your children permission to open up about their own insecurities.
Final thoughts
These behaviors aren’t exclusive to one generation, but they do pop up frequently in older parents who feel left out or overlooked by their grown kids.
The good news is that none of these patterns are set in stone. If you’re noticing any of them in your own life, consider it an opportunity to spark positive change.
Here at DM News, we believe that open conversation and genuine effort can patch even the deepest of rifts.
If you see yourself in any of the behaviors above, don’t shy away from reflecting on them and perhaps having a heartfelt talk with your adult children.
Sometimes a simple apology or a shift in your approach can pave the way for a whole new chapter of connection.
Ultimately, it’s about meeting your kids where they are and being open to change.
When you do, you might be surprised how eager they are to meet you halfway. And that’s where the true rebuilding begins.
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