One question I often see—both from friends and readers online—is: “What do I do if I’m always the one reaching out to someone? Should I text them again?” If that’s you, let me save you the suspense: you’re not alone. And there’s a reason you feel anxious or frustrated whenever you pick up your phone, hoping for a reply.
In this article, we’ll explore the signs that you might be doing all the chasing in a relationship (whether romantic or otherwise), why it happens, and what to do about it so you can feel more at peace and respected.
1. The Telltale Signs You’re the Only One Reaching Out
First things first, how do you know you’re the only one making the effort?
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You notice the chat history is just your messages. Open up your messaging app. If you see your name over and over again without much response from them, that’s a red flag.
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They rarely respond promptly—or at all. Sometimes they’ll take hours or even days to reply, and when they do, it’s often one-word answers or short phrases.
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They never initiate plans or follow-ups. You might be inviting them out for coffee or drinks. You might be the one texting “How’s your day going?” But they don’t seem to return the favor.
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Their replies lack depth. Even if they do respond, it might feel forced. It doesn’t encourage further conversation, leaving you to hold up the conversation single-handedly.
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They don’t seem excited. You can sense it in how people text. Excitement shows up in the tone of their messages, with emojis or exclamation marks (depending on their style). If their texts are consistently flat, they might not share the same enthusiasm to stay connected.
Recognizing these signs is the first step. Once you see them, it’s time to question whether it’s worth sending that next text.
2. Why You Keep Texting Them: The Psychology Behind It
So, why do we keep doing it—reaching out, starting conversations, making plans—when we’re often met with silence or minimal effort?
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Fear of rejection. It sounds ironic because you’re already facing lukewarm responses. But a big reason people keep chasing is a deep-seated fear that maybe they’re not worthy of a person’s full attention. Rather than risk that final confirmation of disinterest, they keep trying.
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Hope for a positive outcome. We’re wired to seek rewards. A few good moments or conversations can make you cling to the possibility that they’ll come around. This is especially true if there were times when the conversation flowed or you felt a genuine connection.
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Attachment style. If you’ve got an anxious attachment style, it’s common to want constant reassurance from the other person. You might text them to feel secure or to confirm they haven’t forgotten about you.
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Habit and routine. Sometimes, we text certain people daily or weekly because it’s part of our routine. Breaking that pattern feels weird or uncomfortable, even if it’s not serving us.
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3. The Emotional Cost of Always Reaching Out
There’s more than just a bit of disappointment at stake here.
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Your self-esteem takes a hit. Over time, if you don’t get the response or attention you’re looking for, you start to doubt your worth.
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Anxiety and stress can pile up. Every time you send a message and wait for a reply, you might be on edge. That emotional rollercoaster is exhausting.
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It can make you resentful. When you feel like you’re constantly giving but never receiving, resentment or frustration can build. That can impact how you communicate and hurt the relationship further.
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You lose valuable time and energy. We all have a limited amount of emotional bandwidth. Constantly chasing someone means using time and mental energy that could be spent on people who actually value you or on projects that spark joy.
4. Should You Stop Texting Them Altogether?
The big question: do you go cold turkey?
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Every relationship is different—whether this person is a love interest, friend, or even a family member. But generally, if you notice a pattern of one-sided communication, taking a step back can offer much-needed clarity.
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Go for a “text detox.” Give yourself a week or two without sending any new messages. This little break can help you see how often you were initiating and allow you to observe whether they reach out on their own.
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Ask yourself what you want out of this relationship. If you’re looking for a balanced, supportive friendship or partnership, one-sided communication won’t cut it. Consider how important it is for them to be in your life.
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Set boundaries for yourself. Decide how often you genuinely want to text someone before you feel underappreciated or ignored. Holding yourself to these boundaries helps protect your mental well-being.
5. Reaching Out from a Place of Mindfulness
In my experience, I’ve learned the power of mindfulness in everyday relationships. Mindfulness is more than meditation—it’s about being present and non-judgmental with your own feelings and those of the people around you.
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Check in with yourself before texting. Are you texting out of genuine care, or do you need reassurance? Understanding your intention can help you decide if it’s wise to press “send.”
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Avoid overthinking. Mindfulness isn’t about dissecting every possible outcome. If you do decide to text, send your message with a calm, open mind—no crazy expectations.
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Observe, don’t react. If they don’t reply, or if they respond with just “K,” notice how that makes you feel. Acknowledge your disappointment or frustration, but try not to lash out.
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Practice self-compassion. Instead of beating yourself up for wanting to reach out, remind yourself that your feelings are valid. Wanting to connect is a human need. At the same time, you deserve respect and consideration.
6. Communicating Your Needs
Sometimes the simplest route is direct communication. If it’s someone you really care about—a best friend, a longtime partner, or a family member—it might be worth having an honest conversation.
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Be clear about how you feel. You might say, “I value our connection, but I feel like I’m always the one initiating. Is there a reason you haven’t been reaching out?”
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Avoid blaming or accusations. Try to use “I” statements rather than “you never” or “you always.” For example: “I feel hurt when I don’t hear back,” instead of “You never text me first.”
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Listen openly. Maybe they’re overwhelmed with work or going through a personal crisis. Let them share their perspective, too.
7. When to Let Go
Let’s be real: not every relationship is meant to last forever. If you’ve tried everything—dialed back your texts, had an open conversation, given them space—and nothing changes, it might be time to let go.
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Respect yourself. A healthy relationship should benefit both parties. If you feel disrespected or constantly anxious, it’s worth re-evaluating.
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Create space for better connections. When you let go of relationships that drain you, you free yourself up for friendships and partnerships that uplift you.
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It’s not a failure. Ending a relationship or stepping back from one doesn’t mean you failed. People change. Life moves forward. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to recognize that the dynamic just isn’t working anymore.
8. Finding Balance in Your Connections
The beauty of honest, healthy relationships is that they flow naturally. Sure, there will be times one person puts in more effort—maybe they’re the planner, or they have more free time. But over the long haul, it should feel balanced. Each person wants to reach out, to check in, to share big news, or even random memes.
Finding that balance often starts with valuing your own time and emotional energy. If you find yourself repeatedly chasing people who don’t reciprocate, it might point to deeper issues like low self-esteem or fear of being alone. Recognizing that pattern is step one toward healing and developing healthier habits.
Conclusion
Look, I get it. Reaching out to someone takes courage, especially when you’re met with silence or lukewarm responses. It’s totally normal to crave connection and keep trying to spark conversation with someone you care about. But if you consistently feel like you’re dragging the communication wagon all by yourself, it’s time to pause.
Acknowledge how you feel—whether that’s hurt, anxious, or frustrated—and give yourself a break from constant texting. Pay attention to how they respond (or don’t) when you step back. If they genuinely value you, they’ll notice your absence and want to reconnect. If not, consider it a sign that your emotional energy is better spent elsewhere.
Remember, relationships should be a two-way street. When you let go of one-sided connections, you make room in your life for the people who truly care—those who will text you back, call you first, and be excited to hear from you. And that’s exactly what you deserve.
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