7 signs someone isn’t actually a good person, even if they seem nice on the surface

We’ve all met them—people who come across as charming, kind, and even generous on the outside, but over time something doesn’t feel quite right. Maybe you leave interactions with them feeling subtly drained.

Maybe their words and actions don’t fully line up. Or maybe you can’t shake the sense that their kindness is more about image than integrity.

Psychology has a term for this: impression management. Some individuals work hard to appear morally upright, but underneath that polished surface lies manipulation, self-interest, or emotional immaturity. Just because someone is nice doesn’t mean they’re good.

So how do you tell the difference?

Here are 7 signs that someone may not be a genuinely good person—even if they seem friendly, polite, or well-liked on the surface.

1. They only show kindness when it benefits them

They’re all smiles and generosity when the spotlight is on them—or when there’s something in it for them. But behind closed doors, they’re cold, indifferent, or dismissive.

This kind of behavior often stems from narcissistic traits. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula, narcissists are experts at “performative empathy”—they know how to look caring without actually being emotionally invested.

Ask yourself:

Are they kind to people who can’t offer them anything?
Do they act differently when no one is watching?

Genuine goodness is consistent. It doesn’t switch off when attention fades.

2. They make passive-aggressive comments disguised as jokes

A good person lifts others up. Someone pretending to be good might do the opposite—but cloak it in sarcasm or humor to avoid accountability.

For example:

“Oh, you’re wearing that? Just kidding!”
“You’re so sensitive—can’t you take a joke?”

This pattern of behavior is a classic red flag of covert hostility, and it’s often used by individuals with low emotional intelligence or insecurity to maintain dominance in social situations.

As psychology professor Dr. Albert Bernstein notes, “Hostile people don’t always scream or fight. Some smile sweetly while sticking in the knife.”

3. They never take responsibility—only deflect or blame

Even when it’s clear they made a mistake, they’ll twist the story, blame someone else, or claim you’re overreacting. These people are often great at dodging accountability while still appearing reasonable.

Psychologist Dr. Harriet Lerner calls this “high-functioning blame,” where the person avoids responsibility through clever language, subtle guilt-tripping, or emotional withdrawal. It’s manipulative—but hard to pin down.

If someone seems endlessly blameless, yet chaos follows them wherever they go… that’s a sign.

4. They’re nice to your face—but gossip behind your back

You’ve heard them badmouth others in private—often people they publicly praise. Or worse, you find out later that they’ve done the same to you.

This is one of the clearest signs of duplicity, and it shows a lack of moral integrity. According to social psychologist Dr. Tessa West, people who gossip frequently are often seeking control or social leverage—not connection.

They may seem like a good person because they compliment everyone to their face. But if their kindness depends on who’s in the room, it’s not real—it’s strategy.

5. They weaponize guilt to get what they want

One of the most subtle forms of manipulation is guilt-tripping, especially when it comes from someone who seems caring.

They might say things like:

“I just thought you were the kind of person who would help me out.”
“Wow, I didn’t expect you of all people to say no.”

These statements are designed to make you feel like the bad guy—for simply setting a boundary.

Dr. George Simon, author of In Sheep’s Clothing, explains that covert manipulators use guilt and obligation to control others while still appearing kind and misunderstood. It’s a psychological double-bind—and a hallmark of someone who isn’t truly kind at heart.

6. They seek praise for basic decency

Do they go out of their way to mention all the “nice” things they’ve done? Are they constantly looking for recognition—even for the bare minimum?

This behavior points to moral grandstanding—a psychological phenomenon where people use public expressions of goodness to boost their status or ego.

Real goodness is quiet. It doesn’t need applause. As Buddhist philosophy reminds us: “Do good and disappear.” When someone always needs a reward for being decent, they’re not practicing kindness—they’re marketing it.

7. Your gut instinct feels off, even if you can’t explain why

Psychologists call it affective forecasting or emotional intuition—that subtle internal radar we all have. You might not be able to point to one specific action, but something about the way they interact, the way you feel around them, or the way they treat others just doesn’t sit right.

In her research on trauma recovery, therapist Laura K. Connell writes that many people learn to override this instinct—especially if they were taught to be “nice” at the expense of their own boundaries.

But your intuition is a powerful tool. If you consistently feel drained, anxious, or uneasy around someone, pay attention. Even if they seem nice. Even if everyone else likes them.