There’s a big gap between being a parent and being a respected parent.
The gap often comes down to behavior. Acting in ways that undermine your adult child’s autonomy or belittle their choices isn’t likely to win you any respect or love.
If you want your adult children to value and regard you highly, there are certain behaviors you need to let go.
In this piece, I’m going to share with you seven behaviors that should be shown the exit door if you desire a strong, respect-filled relationship with your grown-up kids. Don’t worry, it’s not about manipulation or control. It’s about understanding, respect, and communication.
Let’s dive in and start building better bonds with our adult children.
1) Unsolicited advice
There’s a fine line between guiding your adult child and imposing your wishes on them.
Parents often forget that their adult children are capable of making their own decisions. They’ve grown up, they’ve learned, and now it’s their turn to navigate the world.
Unsolicited advice, though often well-intentioned, can come off as overbearing and disrespectful. It can undermine your adult child’s confidence in their own decision-making abilities.
Think about it – when you were their age, how did you feel when someone tried to tell you what to do without asking for their opinion?
To maintain respect and love as they grow older, it’s crucial to let them make their own decisions. Of course, if they ask for your advice, feel free to give it. But remember, your role now is more of a mentor than a director.
So, next time you feel the urge to give unsolicited advice, pause. Ask yourself if it’s necessary or if it’s just your way of exerting control. Letting go of this behavior can significantly improve your relationship with your adult kids.
After all, everyone appreciates being treated with respect and understanding – including your grown-up children.
2) Judging their lifestyle choices
I learned this lesson the hard way with my own son, Jake.
Jake was always a free spirit, choosing paths that were less traditional. He decided not to go to college, opting instead to travel and work on organic farms. His choices were different from what I had envisioned for him, and initially, I struggled with that.
I couldn’t help but voice my concerns about his future, about stability. But, over time, I noticed how our conversations became more strained. Jake began sharing less about his experiences and plans. It was clear my judgments were pushing him away.
One day, we had a heart-to-heart chat. He told me how he felt judged and misunderstood. That was a wake-up call for me.
I realized that my role as a parent was not to shape Jake’s life according to my vision but to support him in living his best life according to his vision.
So, I made a conscious choice to stop judging and start supporting. And the change in our relationship was almost immediate. Jake started sharing more about his life, and our bond grew stronger.
If you want your adult children to respect and love you as they get older, letting go of judgment is key. Embrace their choices, even if they’re different from yours. After all, it’s their life to live, not yours.
3) Not respecting boundaries
Boundaries are essential in every relationship, including the one between you and your adult children. They serve as an invisible line that defines where one person ends and another begins.
Did you know that according to a study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, overstepping boundaries with adult children can lead to relationship tension and conflict?
This could be anything from dropping by their home unannounced, to interfering in their romantic relationships or parenting decisions.
As parents, we need to acknowledge that our adult children have their own lives, separate from ours. They have their own responsibilities, commitments, and needs.
Respecting these boundaries not only shows them that we see them as independent adults but it also fosters a healthier and more respectful relationship.
4) Neglecting to listen
Listening is one of the most powerful tools in maintaining strong, healthy relationships. It’s a simple act that says “I value your thoughts and feelings.”
However, as parents, we sometimes get so caught up in our own thoughts and opinions that we forget to truly listen to our adult children. We interrupt, we assume, we jump to conclusions – all of which can leave them feeling unheard and undervalued.
Listening isn’t just about being quiet while they talk. It’s about truly hearing what they’re saying, engaging with their thoughts, and acknowledging their feelings.
The next time your adult child wants to talk to you about something, take a moment to just listen. Let them express themselves without interruption or judgement. You’ll be surprised how much this simple act can improve your relationship with them.
5) Holding onto past mistakes
My daughter, Lily, once made a huge financial blunder. She invested a large sum of her earnings in a startup that failed almost immediately. The loss hit her hard, both financially and emotionally.
I was disappointed and, admittedly, I let this disappointment show. For a while, it seemed like I couldn’t have a conversation without bringing up her mistake. I thought I was teaching her a lesson, but in reality, I was just causing more pain.
One day, Lily tearfully confronted me about it. She acknowledged her mistake and expressed how she was trying to move forward but felt stuck because I kept reminding her of it.
It was then I realized that holding onto past mistakes wasn’t helping anyone. It didn’t change the past and only strained our relationship.
From that day forward, I decided not to dwell on past mistakes – hers or mine. We all make mistakes. It’s part of being human. What’s important is that we learn from them and move forward.
Letting go of past mistakes can foster forgiveness, understanding, and growth in your relationship with your adult children.
6) Overstepping in their parenting
When your adult children start having families of their own, it can be tempting to step in with advice and guidance based on your own experiences. After all, you’ve been there, done that. But remember, times change and so do parenting styles.
Overstepping in their parenting decisions can come across as a lack of trust in their ability to raise their own children. This can lead to feelings of resentment and tension.
Instead, try to offer support and be there for them when they need it. Let them know that they can always turn to you for advice if they want to, but refrain from imposing your views unasked.
Keep in mind, they are the parents now, and it’s their turn to learn and grow in this role. Trust in their ability to do so.
7) Not showing enough love and appreciation
At the end of the day, your adult children, like anyone else, need to feel loved and appreciated.
Often, we get so caught up in their growth, their decisions, their lives that we forget to express our love for them. Or we assume they already know it.
Don’t make that assumption.
Tell them you love them. Show them you appreciate them. Be proud of them and let them know it.
This simple act can make a world of difference in your relationship with your adult children. It reminds them that no matter how old they get, they are still cherished and valued.
So, don’t wait for a special occasion or a specific moment. Show your love and appreciation today, and every day.
Final thoughts: It’s all about respect
The foundation of any healthy relationship rests on mutual respect and understanding.
In the context of a parent-adult child relationship, this translates to accepting that your child is now an independent individual with their own life, choices, and responsibilities.
Respect their autonomy. Let go of behaviors that undermine their independence or belittle their experiences. Instead, strive to show understanding, patience, and love.
Remember the words of the renowned American poet and civil rights activist Maya Angelou: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
So, make your adult children feel loved, respected, and valued. Because at the end of the day, it’s not just about being a parent; it’s about being a supportive and understanding presence in their lives.
And who knows? The changes you make today might just strengthen your bond with your adult children in ways you never thought possible.
