Ever heard the saying, “No one can push your buttons quite like family?”
Well, it’s true. We’re often more influenced by our family – particularly our parents – than we like to admit. They shape our understanding of the world, and sometimes, not always in the most positive ways.
Now, don’t get me wrong.
I’m not saying all parents are terrible or that they deliberately raise their kids to struggle emotionally. But let’s face it, some phrases that echo from our childhood can have a profound impact on our self-perception and relationships in adulthood.
Think about it.
Did you grow up hearing certain phrases repeatedly? And no, I’m not referring to the “eat your vegetables” or “do your homework” kind.
I’m talking about phrases that, on closer examination, might reveal a less-than-ideal emotional dynamic. Phrases that could suggest your parents were perhaps emotionally selfish.
Let’s explore this further.
In this article, we’ll delve into seven phrases that might indicate you were raised by emotionally selfish parents. Understanding these can help you navigate your past experiences and foster healthier relationships moving forward.
Remember, acknowledging these patterns isn’t about blaming or shaming anyone. It’s about gaining insights to create a better future for yourself and those you care about.
So, are you ready to dive in? Let’s get started.
1) “Don’t be so sensitive”
We all have our moments of sensitivity, don’t we?
It’s part of being human. Sometimes we feel things deeply, and that’s okay. It’s how we process our emotions and make sense of the world around us.
However, if you frequently heard the phrase “Don’t be so sensitive” growing up, it might indicate a lack of emotional empathy from your parents.
See, this phrase is often used to dismiss your feelings and emotions as irrelevant or exaggerated. It’s a way of saying, “Your emotions are not important to me.”
The problem?
It can lead to a sense of invalidation, making you feel as though your emotions are not worth expressing. Over time, you may even start to suppress your feelings, thinking it’s wrong to be emotional or sensitive.
Recognizing this can be a crucial step in understanding your emotional landscape and paving the way for healthier emotional expression in your current and future relationships.
2) “Because I said so”
Ah, the classic parental trump card, “Because I said so.”
I remember hearing this phrase quite a bit during my own childhood. Whether I was questioning why I needed to finish my broccoli or why I couldn’t stay up late on a school night, the response was often the same – “Because I said so.”
Now, as a child, such a phrase can be quite frustrating.
Why?
Well, it shuts down any opportunity for open dialogue. It’s an authoritarian decree that doesn’t leave room for understanding or growth. It essentially says, “I don’t owe you an explanation.”
As an adult, I’ve come to understand how this phrase can contribute to a pattern of emotional selfishness.
It prioritizes the parent’s authority and convenience over the child’s emotional growth and understanding. It discourages curiosity and suppresses the development of critical thinking skills.
Remember, it’s important for parents to explain their decisions and rules to their children. This helps kids understand boundaries, consequences, and the rationale behind certain rules, fostering emotional maturity and mutual respect.
3) “You’re too old for this”
Remember when you were a kid, and your dreams were as boundless as the sky?
One day, you wanted to be an astronaut; the next, a world-famous painter. But then came those crushing words,”You’re too old for this.”
This phrase, uttered perhaps with a shake of the head or an exasperated sigh, could deflate your enthusiasm like nothing else.
It’s a subtle form of control, really.
By telling you that you’re “too old,” your parents might have been trying to mold you into their idea of what’s acceptable or ‘normal’ for your age. But in the process, they could have ended up stifling your creativity and self-expression.
And here’s the thing.
No one should dictate what you can or can’t do based on your age. Yes, maturity is important, but so is the freedom to explore and express yourself.
So if you caught yourself swallowing down your dreams because someone told you were ‘too old’, it’s time to spit them back out.
4) “I do everything for you”
This one is a bit tricky, isn’t it?
On the surface, it seems like an expression of love and sacrifice. After all, parents do a lot for their children.
But “I do everything for you” can often carry an unspoken expectation of gratitude and indebtedness. It’s as if by doing things for you, your parents are earning some sort of ‘credit’ that they expect to be paid back.
The underlying message?
“You owe me.”
And that’s not a healthy dynamic.
It can lead to guilt, pressure, and a sense of obligation that can strain your relationship with your parents and others.
Remember, love and care should be given freely, not as part of a transaction. And you don’t owe anyone for the love they gave you, especially not your parents. They chose to bring you into this world, and caring for you is their responsibility, not a favor they’re doing.
Recognizing this can be a significant step towards establishing healthier boundaries and relationships.
5) “Why can’t you be more like…?”
Comparison is the thief of joy, or so said Theodore Roosevelt.
And he was onto something.
When you’re constantly compared to someone else – a sibling, a cousin, a friend, or even a fictional character – it can create a damaging sense of inadequacy and self-doubt.
The phrase “Why can’t you be more like…?” is not just emotionally selfish; it’s harmful.
It suggests that you, as you are, are not good enough. That you should change to fit someone else’s standard. This can lead to a constant struggle to measure up and an unhealthy habit of comparison in your relationships.
Interestingly, research has shown that upward social comparison (comparing ourselves to those we perceive as superior) can lead to feelings of envy, low self-confidence, and depression.
So, if you grew up hearing this phrase, know this: You are enough just as you are. You don’t need to be like anyone else. After all, there’s no one else quite like you in this world.
6) “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”
It’s an age-old phrase, isn’t it?
Maybe you scraped your knee playing outside, or perhaps you were upset about a lost toy. But instead of comfort or understanding, you were met with this harsh phrase.
Let’s be clear here.
Crying is a natural human response to pain or upset. It’s a way for us to express our feelings and seek comfort. And it’s perfectly okay.
The phrase “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” sends a different message, though. It suggests that showing vulnerability is a weakness, something to be punished.
And that can be incredibly damaging.
It may result in you hiding your true feelings, putting on a brave face when you’re hurting inside, or even believing that you don’t deserve comfort or empathy.
But here’s the thing:
Your feelings are valid. Your tears are valid. And it’s okay to show your vulnerability. It doesn’t make you weak; it makes you human.
So, let those tears flow if they need to. It’s all part of the healing process.
7) “You’re just like your [insert family member]”
This one can be a double-edged sword.
On one hand, it could be a compliment. But on the other, it could be a veiled criticism, especially if the family member you’re being compared to is someone your parents disapprove of.
But here’s the most important thing you should know:
You are not destined to repeat your family’s past. You are not bound by their mistakes or their successes.
You are your own person with your own capabilities, ambitions, and flaws. And the only person you should strive to be like… is the best version of yourself.
Final thoughts
If you’ve found yourself nodding along to these phrases, it’s likely you’ve experienced some form of emotional selfishness from your parents.
But here’s the silver lining – recognizing these patterns is the first step towards healing and growth.
You see, our past doesn’t have to dictate our future. Yes, our upbringing shapes us, but it doesn’t define us. And while we can’t change our childhood experiences, we can control how we respond to them as adults.
It starts with self-awareness – acknowledging these phrases for what they are and understanding their impact on your emotional health. From there, it’s about consciously breaking the cycle and fostering healthier emotional interactions in your own life.
Remember, it’s okay to feel hurt by these phrases. It’s okay to acknowledge that they were unfair. But it’s also important to remember that you are not alone. Many of us carry emotional scars from our childhood.
But with time, patience, and a little self-love, we can learn to heal those wounds and build stronger, healthier relationships moving forward.
So as you reflect on these phrases and their impact on your life, remember this – you have the power to rewrite your narrative. Your past may inform your story, but it doesn’t have to be the whole story.
You are more than the words spoken to you in your childhood. You are resilient, capable, and deserving of love and respect – always.
