We’ve all insisted we’re “totally fine” after a breakup—only to do something that proves the exact opposite.
If you’ve ever caught yourself scrolling an ex’s feed at 1 a.m. or replaying the same memory on repeat, you know how stubborn the heart can be.
I’ve been there too. Years ago, I swore I’d moved on from an old flame, yet I couldn’t stop bringing his name into every dinner‑table debate. My friends finally called me out, and that honest moment became a mini‑wake‑up call.
So, how do you know you’re still stuck? Watch for these nine tell‑tale habits.
1. Bringing them up in every conversation
Ever notice how a friend “casually” mentions their ex whenever relationships come up—whether you’re talking recipes or real estate?
Slipping the person into unrelated topics keeps the connection alive in their mind. I once caught myself comparing movie tastes with my ex to justify why a rom‑com flopped on date night with someone new. Sneaky, right?
For many of us, the chatter stems from what psychologist Guy Winch calls the unfinished emotional residue of heartbreak.
“Recovering from heartbreak always starts with a decision, a determination to move on when our mind is fighting to keep us stuck,” he writes.
Tracking every time their name slips out can expose just how often you’re still holding court for someone who’s no longer beside you.
2. Stalking their socials—then justifying it as “curiosity”
Psychology Today points out that regularly checking an ex’s profiles increases distress and delays recovery.
A 2013 University of Missouri study found that excessive Facebook use predicted higher conflict and more breakups.
In other words, “just looking” acts like caffeine for an already wired nervous system. Timed‑use limits and browser plug‑ins that hide their picture can cut the feedback loop before it spirals.
3. Saving every memento in plain sight
Ticket stubs, hoodies, half‑burned candles—if they’re still on your nightstand, you’re keeping a shrine.
A recent study on virtual possession management showed that people who held on to digital keepsakes reported poorer adjustment months later compared with those who archived or deleted them.
A ceremonial purge—boxing items or moving photos to an external drive—signals your brain the chapter is closed.
4. Comparing each new date to the “gold‑standard” ex
“Adam used to text good‑morning…why can’t Max?”
When I measured new partners against an idealized memory, no one stood a chance. Couples therapist Esther Perel reminds us: “Heartbreak is inevitable … the difference is whether we heal on our own or do it together.” Clinging to fantasy only drags out the pain.
Psychologists call this filter rosy retrospection—our minds paint the past in softer colors than it deserves.
For every flattering memory you recall, jot down one drawback you used to complain about. The ledger balances faster than you’d think.
5. Slipping into “friendly” DMs
A harmless meme share can spiral into midnight confessions. Pro‑tip from a therapist I trust: if the chat wouldn’t feel okay in front of your next partner, hit pause.
Intermittent reinforcement—the same mechanism that hooks people on slot machines—fires here too.
A random heart‑emoji reply dumps dopamine into the brain, making the whole thread irresistible. A firm no‑contact window lets your neurochemistry reset.
6. Interpreting every sign as cosmic fate
See their initials on a license plate? Hear “your song” in the grocery store?
It’s tempting to call it destiny. Mindfulness teaches us that a thought is just a thought—until we turn it into a story. Notice the moment, breathe, and let the plate drive on.
Neuroscientist Julia Shaw notes that humans are pattern‑spotters; we stitch coincidences into meaning because it soothes uncertainty.
Next time you whisper “it must be a sign,” label it apophenia and let it float by like a passing cloud.
7. Revisiting old haunts “for the ambiance”
I kept trekking to the café where we shared Sunday lattes, pretending the croissants drew me in.
Spoiler: it was nostalgia. If a location keeps yanking you back in time, switch your scenery. Your nervous system will thank you.
The pull isn’t just emotional; it’s neurological. Context‑dependent memory research shows that being in the same environment where a memory formed makes recall snap into high‑definition.
New rituals in fresh spaces dilute those neural links over time.
8. Freezing your own dating life
Some people jump straight into rebounds; others refuse to date at all, insisting they’re “busy.” Avoidance often masks fear of first‑date awkwardness without the security blanket of the past.
A mindful baby‑step—coffee, not dinner—can break the paralysis.
Avoidant types often retreat to independence to sidestep vulnerability.
Trying low‑stakes outings (think a group hike or museum meetup) reminds your nervous system that connection isn’t automatically a threat.
9. Turning every memory into a highlight reel
Late‑night brain edits out the arguments and spotlights the beach sunsets. Author Martha Beck offers a tiny mantra: “Take a deep breath, and just let go.”
Balance the reel: recall the tedious grocery fights alongside the laughter. Reality checks help feelings loosen their grip.
Final thoughts
Lingering feelings don’t mean you failed—they mean you’re human.
Healing rarely happens in a straight line; it’s more like yoga practice on a wobbly day: some poses flow, others topple.
What counts is catching the habits that keep you circling the same emotional block. Each small shift—a mute button here, a new coffee shop there—creates just enough space for fresh experiences to slip in.
So if one (or several) of these behaviors rang a bell, be gentle and honest with yourself. Then choose one concrete action to break the loop today. Your future memories are waiting, and they’ll need room to breathe.
Keep moving forward, one intentional step at a time.
