Gaslighting is one of those terms that’s been thrown around a lot lately—and for good reason. It’s a subtle, manipulative form of emotional abuse that can leave you questioning your memory, your perception, and even your sanity.
But what makes gaslighting so insidious is that it doesn’t always come wrapped in cruelty or overt hostility. Sometimes, it shows up wearing a warm smile and saying things that seem supportive… until you look a little closer.
Over the years in my counseling practice, I’ve heard countless clients share phrases they thought were “sweet” or “well-meaning,” only to later realize those words were tools for manipulation.
Let’s talk about seven of the most common offenders—phrases that sound caring on the surface but are actually subtle signs of gaslighting.
1. “I’m only saying this because I care about you.”
This one hits hard because it’s so often used to preface criticism or control.
It might come before a judgment about your appearance, your career choices, or even who you’re friends with. And because it’s framed as caring, it’s meant to make you question your reaction.
Are you being too sensitive? Too defensive? Shouldn’t you feel grateful that someone cares enough to give you “tough love”?
Here’s the thing: genuine care respects boundaries. It doesn’t guilt-trip you into accepting behavior that makes you feel small.
As Brené Brown has said, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” And cloaking control in “care” is as unclear as it gets.
2. “You’re remembering it wrong.”
If I had a dollar for every time a client’s partner uttered this phrase, I’d be sipping iced matcha on a beach in Portugal.
This statement might sound like a simple disagreement, but when used repeatedly, it chips away at your trust in your own memory and judgment.
Gaslighters rely on this tactic to rewrite shared history. If you start believing that you “get things wrong,” they gain more control over the narrative—and you.
This is one of those dance moves: doubting yourself while giving your partner the benefit of the doubt.
A healthier approach? Two people can have different recollections without one erasing the other’s reality.
3. “You’re just too emotional.”
Let’s unpack this one.
First off, what does “too emotional” even mean? Are you crying? Angry? Hurt? Expressing any of those feelings is valid.
But when someone tells you you’re “too emotional,” they’re often trying to shut down the conversation altogether.
It’s a subtle way of saying: your reaction isn’t acceptable. And that creates shame.
Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, reminds us that our ability to recognize, understand, and express our emotions is a sign of strength—not weakness.
So if someone keeps labeling your feelings as “too much,” consider what they’re avoiding by doing so.
4. “I guess I’m just the bad guy then.”
Whew. This one used to get under my skin in my twenties.
It’s a classic deflection tactic—playing the victim to avoid accountability. Instead of staying with the issue at hand, the gaslighter flips the script.
Suddenly, you feel guilty for bringing up a problem, and they become the one who’s wounded.
This isn’t conflict resolution—it’s emotional manipulation.
Susan Cain, author of Quiet, once noted that “the most effective leaders—and partners—don’t dominate conversations. They listen.”
This phrase is the opposite of that. It’s a verbal shrug that says, “Let’s make this about me instead.”
5. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
This phrase technically contains the word “sorry,” but don’t be fooled—it’s not an apology.
It’s the kind of non-apology that avoids taking any real responsibility. The focus isn’t on what they did; it’s on yourfeelings, as if those feelings are the actual problem.
I remember a client once told me her boyfriend used this line every time she brought up something hurtful. After a while, she started second-guessing whether her feelings even mattered.
If someone genuinely cares about you, they’ll want to understand your feelings, not subtly suggest they’re an inconvenience.
6. “You always take things the wrong way.”
This one is designed to make you doubt your interpretation of reality.
It’s another way of saying, “The problem isn’t what I said or did—it’s how you perceived it.”
Over time, this can cause you to second-guess your instincts and silence your voice.
Psychologist Dr. Robin Stern, author of The Gaslight Effect, describes this pattern as emotional invalidation. It doesn’t just dismiss what you feel—it teaches you not to trust yourself.
And when you don’t trust yourself, it’s much easier for someone else to step in and control the narrative.
7. “No one else has ever had a problem with this.”
Looking back, this one probably deserved a higher spot on the list. Anyway…
This line is often delivered with an air of smug confidence. It’s designed to make you feel like you’re the odd one out—oversensitive, dramatic, or just “too much.”
It weaponizes other people’s supposed tolerance (real or imagined) to diminish your lived experience.
Here’s what I tell my clients: it doesn’t matter if 99 people were okay with something. If it hurts you, it’s worth addressing.
Tony Robbins once said, “Stand guard at the door of your mind.” And I’ll add—stand guard at the door of your worth, too. You don’t need a crowd to validate your boundaries.
Final thoughts
It’s scary to realize that manipulation can come dressed as concern, and emotional abuse can wear a gentle tone.
But recognizing these subtle phrases is a powerful first step.
If any of these sounded familiar, take a breath. You’re not overreacting. You’re noticing. And that’s a sign of growth.
You deserve relationships built on mutual respect, not confusion and self-doubt. If something feels off—even if it’s wrapped in a “caring” bow—pay attention. Your intuition is wiser than you think.
And as always, if you’re struggling to unpack the dynamics in your relationship, a good therapist can help you navigate the fog. You’re not alone in this.
